An Apology

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TW/ CW: mental health, social anxiety.

My anxiety knocks at points of silences in a conversation,
I might not show up,
At social events, gatherings, discussions,
Might dread having to link up.
No matter how often I’ve practiced for my anxiety not to disappoint,
It shows up every time between those interactions.

Don’t get me wrong though I like the communication,
As much as I like to listen,
But both things I prefer in moderation.

I might be relieved at your suggestion of us calling it a day,
Hanging up the phone, wishing each other goodbye,
Parting ways for the day.

Almost feel guilty for finding peace in the silence.
Present and listening, but silent most of the time.

Please don’t hate me for saying I’m gonna sleep,
But really, I just need time to recollect myself,
Sit with my thoughts for I have a sanity to keep.

Perpetually torn between not wanting to disappoint you,
For not asking you to stay,
And wanting to ease my nerves that I’ve held so tight
During the entire two-hours stay.
Forgive me for it all
As I am learning to forgive myself for feeling this way.

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Phuntsog Chosdon

Phuntsog Chosdon is an undergraduate student of Sociology at Lady Shri Ram College, Delhi. She likes to write when she is not attending lectures.


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