I am 23 years old, and I’ve slept with 23 men.

23 dicks inside and outside me.

23 bodies touching. I have experienced physical connections with different individuals, exploring my own desires and curiosities. While I don’t necessarily view this as a negative thing, at times, I have felt a sense of shame. It’s not because engaging in these encounters is inherently wrong, but rather because I questioned if I was using my body in a healthy manner.

Some of my decisions were unwise, serving as a temporary escape from the difficulties of life or a means to numb my emotions. However, sometimes, it was a personal choice driven by my own pleasure, curiosity, and the belief that my self-worth isn’t defined by the number of sexual encounters I have.

There is a prevailing notion on social media, especially Instagram Reels and YouTube Shorts, that younger women with fewer sexual experiences are somehow more valuable, while those who have had more partners are unworthy. It’s as if I am seen as a disposable object, likened to a mop that wears out after repeated use. Who is determining my worth? These ‘sigma males’ who proclaim to be my saviours? My body hasn’t suffered or changed its shape due to the number of partners I’ve had.

Is my existence’s worth really placed inside my vagina like a cake? Whoever goes inside takes a piece of it, and the cake will be over-distributed to strangers, lovers and friends (or whoever goes inside).

Also, I remember when some of these loved ones/strangers/friends got to know about my other sexual partners and their tone changed.

One expressed concern about the outskirts of the city – how in lower-middle-class areas, casual sexual encounters are perceived as more prevalent, often associating them with societal disparities. Others questioned the character of a woman who engages in sexual activities with strangers, projecting their own judgments onto me. One person was surprised because my outward appearance didn’t align with their preconceived notions. Another individual, unaware of my personal experiences, lectured me on the attractiveness of women who have had fewer partners, conveniently disregarding the fact that he himself was eager for intimacy since our first date, for which I paid.

Furthermore, it’s important to note that I have endured non-consensual experiences as well, which I am not ready to discuss at this moment.

I am not advocating for casual encounters, sex as a coping mechanism, or any form of sexual activity that leaves one feeling miserable. I acknowledge the issues surrounding my past sexual experiences and approach them with self-compassion and empathy. I can forgive myself and make better decisions moving forward. However, I cannot accept a society that proclaims a woman’s worth diminishes with an increase in sexual encounters. Please don’t tell this to my mother, she might kill herself or me who knows that’s another shame which I’ll write about later someday. For today, let me protect the cake inside my vagina.