The day before I gave birth, my mother gave me a look of pity

“You will never feel at peace again”
she said

I dismissed her words as only a daughter could
My mid-20-year-old mind could not grasp the depth of my misconceptions about motherhood

For instance, I imagined birth to be like a really bad period
cue laughter
But on Sept 21 2018

I felt myself tear open

Followed by a fleeting moment of intense relief as suddenly the pressure shifted from my womb to a weight on my chest

This was not peace

This was the responsibility of complete fragility in its finest form
There is no fear like the fear of fresh flesh
Your heart is now lying on your chest
And It’s helpless

I struggled to breastfeed and stay awake
The nurses made sure to wake me every 2 hours
Do you want him to starve? They said

I felt myself tear open

I crushed my soul into an eternal life force for this tiny body
I expanded my mind to fill the cracks in the sidewalk so my child could skip and dance and maybe know peace

To become a mother is to become mortal
Where was my Instagram-worthy adorable?

Candles suddenly look catastrophic
Car rides looked like capacity for tragedy
Tracking microchips doesn’t seem like that crazy of an idea anymore

The water heater haunts me

Immediately hormones hijack your brain
Permanent, overwhelming survival mode
You’re a mother now

Remnants of carefree stripped away piece by piece
Each milestone gives new meaning to vulnerability

Analyzing car-to-sidewalk ratios as you walk down the street
Rewiring my brain to see the best it can see

I can’t even hear myself think

Have to wait until they’re asleep to feel some relief before I’m back on my feet
I now have anchors holding me here
And I can’t leave

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

As a mother, I say I don’t break because I am already broken and

I felt myself tear open