Death

When I think of d e a t h I often think that I might die in d e b t;
leaving four incomplete notebooks

stacked on the d e s k;

overfilling my cooker with lentils
its foam escaping through the w h i s t l e loud and shrill;

sharing empty slides at a women’s conference

looking for words to b e g i n;

lost at a large parking space

searching f r a n t i c a l l y for an exit gate;
not taking another online test

or sipping on strong leaf t e a;

missing a call or two from the mailman

or worrying about my m a’ s congestion;

never perfecting the tehai that I learnt last winter

buying another pack of bobby pins to keep those locks in;

w i t h o u t, for once, figuring

that I’ve lost my body.

Looking for Me

When the stop lights turn green
and you’re about to be seen,
do you carry yourself
or leave yourself behind
at the flat mirror
gazing backwards?

And when you pull over
about to be felt,
do you put on yourself
or fold yourself in;
or tuck yourself into your bell-bottom jeans?
What about meets?
Put on the camera,
put off yourself,
or let your picture mute itself?

What if by chance,
you look grief in the eye
from that platform.
Will you spend the night waiting
or take the next train?

Turning 30

To be pale and 30, an unambitious git;
sockets sitting deeper than a crater, such a misfit.
Do you recognise this total sloth, you?
Collecting coupons in her purse, one by one,
until they have all expired.
About this criss-cross around the mouth,
Should retinol help in straightening ‘em out?
Look how weary of booking an appointment to the doctor’s
but tailors, you ask, make up the call log; else disaster.

To fall into 30, too tired to be crafty
no more an agitator or much of a speaker
only quick awkward handshakes; hands bookmarking pages
never likely to be read.
Taking for granted the crumbs of 20s,
to be eaten away behind locked doors like termites feasting on softwood.
Wasn’t 26 nearer to 28?
At 29 this thigh gap closing inch by inch, the waist going like a nashi pear
without a care.
Care trying to care, failing miserably to fare.