We met at a sleazy dating app or a neon basement bar party. We kissed a few times and exchanged a few words before we left the club and went to a dark cheap Oyo room that barely cost anything. The smell of rum and cigarettes was our eternity. I know you remember the pornstar wild things that I did to you. I was not a common whore, but I was your fantasy, the girl who had 90% of her boobs out in that little black dress she wore. I remember the not-so-clean things we did, but I know you will never forget me whenever you get in between the sheets with someone new. I know that after me, you expect every girl to be me, but ahh, the disappointment you come across is uncanny. I know you liked my hair messed up in the morning because it reminds you of the night we spent together.

I know you think of me every day when you listen to Tove lo’s ‘cool girl.’ I know that coffee reminds you of my dark milky skin and the shoulders you kiss on. I know that you call your obsession – love. I know that you think of me plenty, and your world revolves around me. I know you want to take care of me, protect me, and save me from this scary world. You see me as frail, and you seem to be attracted to that because you want to be a ‘hero.’

One day, I will say I don’t want this or I might think this is too much for me to handle so I will tell you to leave, but then you aren’t a calm man; you are a passionate animal who lets his emotions run wild so you get enraged and your anger bursts out. You forget that I am a human and I need my space and the hero complex gives you an ideology that you own me, so you call me a whore – one who spreads her legs.

I know I was mean, but I didn’t want to give you hope of a happy ending with me. But even after I left you, the memories didn’t. Surprisingly you know my pink nude lipstick, and you still crave my lips on yours but then the sweet time we had ended, and we had to with it. The way you adored me when I slept next to you is in your sweet dreams now and the complicated fights we had are your nightmares. I am sorry that you were devoted to me and I wasn’t. But, I assure you that I’ve never lied, and I was always honest in my admiration for you.

What if I never needed you but just wanted you as a companion who fades through time. I still ask myself what would I have been with you – a girlfriend, a wife, or a mother to your kids, but then I wanted more from my life. If I had ended up that way, I would have cursed you every day, and I promise that is not what you signed up for.

So I move on, and I hope that you have moved on too. I still remember you when the cigarette smell envelops the room and when I go to cheap hotels or Oyo rooms.

Lastly, I hope you are doing well because you gave me memories that I will always keep close to me like the polaroids in my wallet next to the dried flower you gave me on our second date.

With love,

Cool girl.