Miss Prediction’s Terrible But Well-Meaning Astrology Advice Column*

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Are you tired of the same old boring advice from those other astrology columns? Well, you’re in luck! Miss Prediction is here to give you some seriously terrible but well meaning advice that you should definitely (not) follow. Here’s what to expect in July.

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Miss Prediction’s Tarot Reading Session for 2023 Captured in a Rare Photograph

Aries (Ram): Hey there, fiery Aries! Prepare for an adventure-filled month of cosmic chaos! The stars say it’s the perfect time to ditch your everyday responsibilities and run away to join the circus. Why settle for stability when you can tame lions or swing from trapezes? In this whirlwind of exotic creatures, acrobats, jugglers, and clowns armed with cream pies, fate has a twist. A mysterious fortune-teller will steer you towards your one true love. But be wary of the ringmaster, a Gemini whose tricks may deceive. It’s a wild ride, Aries, so grab your courage and let the circus madness unfold!

Taurus (Bull): It’s time to open a restaurant, Taurus –The Bear style! Step one: Dive into Diner Dash and become a master at seating, ordering, and serving at warp speed. Who needs culinary school when virtual experience is at your fingertips? Next, slice onions faster than a speeding bullet. Now, let your culinary creativity run wild with a menu that fuses bacon ice cream, pickled watermelon, and spaghetti-stuffed tacos. And for that touch of delightful chaos, recruit waitstaff skilled in interpretive dance and juggling while serving. Need assistance? Call upon your Aries friends—they’re off to join the circus this month!

Gemini (Twins): If you’re a smoker, it’s time to extinguish those flames of temptation, Gemini. But if you’re not, well, the stars insist it’s the perfect moment to embrace that Marlboro or light up a fancy cigar. Trust me, there’s some cosmic smoke blowing in your planetary charts at the moment. Or maybe it’s just a barbecue fire, but who’s really keeping track? In the realm of hydration, the cosmos urges you to drink more water. But here’s the twist—don’t reach for that glass of water when you find yourself drowning in a sea of challenges. Apparently, the universe has its own peculiar sense of irony.

Cancer (Crab): You’re a loyal friend, Cancer—the kind who wouldn’t even bail on a pal if they turned out to be a serial killer, with you next on their hit list. Sharing your earphones with everyone is just another testament to your unwavering loyalty. But alas, there’s a price to pay for such devotion! Your enemies lurk among your so-called friends! By default, you live for “otters”… I mean, others. But this month, it’s time to be a tad selfish, Cancer. Say goodbye to that sneaky hoarder friend who’s been piggybacking on your Netflix account, just like that mischievous Neptune snooping around your Saturn’s friendship abode. Trust me, it’s for the best.

Leo (Lion): Oh, Leo, amidst the zillion other Leos swirling in your cosmic neighborhood, it’s no wonder the noise is deafening. The struggle to decipher what’s coming your way this month is real. But here’s the catch—due to some pesky technical glitches, your future has been rescheduled for August, the quintessential Leo season. It seems the stars need a moment to recalibrate their majestic powers just for you. So, hold onto your lion’s mane and brace yourself for a grand entrance into your future when the Leo spotlight shines brightest. Until then, embrace the anticipation and let the cosmic chaos unfold!

Virgo (Virgin): Oh, dear Virgo, it’s time to embark on a college adventure! It’s the perfect place to explore your sexuality, immerse yourself in art, and even channel your inner mean girl. Remember, college is a breeding ground for weird fashion choices, late-night existential crises, and questionable life decisions. Embrace the chaos, join that obscure club that meets in the basement on Tuesdays, form your clique, wear that pink on Wednesdays, and unleash your biting sarcasm during debates. Welcome back to the land of cafeteria gossip and 3 AM pizza runs!

Libra (Balance): Let’s face it, dear Libra: cricket is so last season. It’s time to play a real sport for a change! So, trade in those cricket bats for some fancy footwork and dive into the exhilarating world of football. Embrace the thrill of goals, tackles, and outrageous celebrations as you kick, dribble, and score your way to victory. If you need some inspiration, binge watch Ted Lasso. For Libras who are already football fans, spread the football fever by distributing your team’s jerseys to Manchester United fans. And to the Man U faithful Libras – do better, mate!

Scorpio (Scorpion): Alright, Scorpio, here’s the scoop: Mercury’s gone retrograde, and guess who’s causing trouble in your 7th house? That sneaky bastard Capricorn! Brace yourself for irritation, anxiety, and communication mishaps until it returns to your 10th house. Texting can feel like solving riddles this month. Lawyers, postpone those cases till August. Courtroom arguments could spell catastrophe for your clients. My advice? Seek solace with your mother and don’t return until things are sorted. You should be visiting her more often anyway.

Sagittarius (Archer): Listen up, Sagittarius! It’s time to become the ultimate people’s person, residing in their hearts, warm and rent-free! Don’t forget, you’re a shining star, a ball of hot gas. Beware the acid reflux though! If your schedule is too packed for people, toss that calendar in the bin and make room. Remember, your fancy new phone won’t love you back, but people will. Embrace small talk, from weather chitchat to juicy celebrity gossip. Trade your telescope for a magnifying glass and pry into the quirks of others’ lives— their crushes, dreams, and pineapple-on-pizza debates. And lastly, don’t forget to wear a magnet—it’s like a cosmic invitation for connections!

Capricorn (Goat): Oh, Capricorn, the universe is not to blame for your troubles—it’s you! Your name isn’t the problem; it’s your attitude! So, adding an extra “k” or dropping a “g” won’t save you from yourself. Instead, try changing up your pizza toppings, ditch those oranges, and bid farewell to cow’s milk—it’s only fueling your moody nature. And hey, next time you order from Zomato, be generous with that tip. Who knows? A sprinkle of kindness might just turn your whole life around! And if all else fails, maybe consider relocating to a sheep farm. Sheep have a way of putting things into perspective.

Aquarius (Water Bearer): Hey there, Aquarius! It’s time for a cosmic intervention. Listen up, because your aura needs a word makeover. Those “ness” words? They’re like rusty knives, slicing through your vibes. Cleanliness, mindfulness, finesse… ugh, endless trouble! Instead, dive into the depths of sharp words like mischief, absurdity, flibbertigibbet, and shenanigans. They’ll unleash your creativity and sprinkle whimsy into your existence, banishing those rusty knives for good! So, embrace the power of linguistic mischief, Aquarius, and let the chaos ripple through the cosmos!

 Pisces (Fish): Oh, dear Pisces, it’s time to swim against the current of self-comparison! You are your own favorite, so why bother with others? Channel your energy into a truly productive hobby, like collecting the wrappers of toffees (yes, even the crinkly ones) or indulging in the art of de-knitting – expertly undoing the threads in a knitted item. Develop the skill of “invisible photography,” capturing stunning images of empty spaces that leave viewers questioning reality. Or practice the ancient art of “teaspoon balancing,” striving to balance as many teaspoons on your nose as possible. By the end of it, you’ll have left others far behind.

Well, that’s it for this month’s astro-logical advice. Whoever you are, wherever you are, may the sauce be with you! Waka waka forever. And if things do happen to go south (which they will), just remember: It’s not your fault. It’s the fault in our stars. Astrology excuses everything. Until next month.

Love and Chaos,
Miss Predictions

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