Miss Prediction’s Terrible But Well-Meaning Astrology Advice Column*

Are you tired of the same old boring advice from those other astrology columns? Well, you’re in luck! Miss Prediction is here to give you some seriously terrible but well meaning advice that you should definitely (not) follow. Here’s what (not) to expect in June.

*Safety Not Guaranteed

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Miss Prediction’s Tarot Reading Session for 2023 Captured in a Rare Photograph

World Update: With Weenus in the constellation of Neptoon, right ascension of James Bond 007h and declination of t-shirt size +24° 44′ 34”, the stars are aligning to turn all of you into ambassadors of goodwill this month. It’s time to put your fiery energy to good use by spreading fake news, err, smiles, covid – err, compliments, and unexpected acts of kinkiness, err, kindness wherever you go. In the legen-wait-for it-dairy words of Dolly Ewe, the first mammal to be cloned by an adult traumatic, err, somatic cell, “Kindness is like a boomerang, except it doesn’t come back to you. It hits someone else and breaks, err, makes their day. And that’s pretty awesome!” So from the grocery store to the coffee shop, be prepared to unleash a barrage of compliments that will leave strangers wondering if you’re just eccentric or fucked in the head …

Aries (Ram): It’s the month of giving, Aries! Why stop at donating a few dollars to charity when you can give away your parent’s wealth? Yes, liberate yourself from the shackles of inheritance. Start by donating the antique chandelier that has been illuminating your family’s dining room for generations to a local cafe. Gift your father’s vintage sports car to an Uber driver. Give away your fortune to an abortion clinic that could use the money to expand. Handover your mother’s prized collection of handloom sarees to a women’s SHG. Remember, Aries, giving is not limited to small gestures. It’s about leaving a lasting impression and ensuring that your parent’s wealth finds new homes where it will be appreciated. Just be sure to do it when they’re not looking because nothing says “generosity” quite like redistributing your ancestor’s possessions without their knowledge.

Taurus (Bull): Visit your favorite local bakery, Taurus, and purchase a delicious treat for a neighbour. Perhaps a box of assorted chocolates or a selection of gourmet cupcakes to make their day extra special. Attach a heartfelt note that says “there might be a bomb inside, enjoy the explosive surprise” leaving them with a sweet and thrilling experience that will warm their heart. Consider leaving the treat and note in a charming package outside their door. Don’t forget to sign off on the note so they can thank you later. While you’re at it, check out this fascinating piece on kama muta that could change your life.

Gemini (Twins): I think you’ve had enough, Gemini. You woke up an optimist. the sun was shinin’, You were positive you could run. Then your heard you were talkin’ trash, you’re a mystery! You said to yourself: “Hold me back, I’m bout’ to spaz”. So maybe consider getting a little drunk this month and say what’s on your mind for a change! You might do a little time, cause all of your kindness is taken for weakness and you’re four, five seconds from wildin’. And you’ve got three more days ’til Friday. (Okay, well actually you’ve got four more days). But you’re just tryna make it back home by Monday mornin’ and I know you wish somebody would tell you this. Ooh, that’s all you want. Isn’t it?

Cancer (Crab): Unleash your inner Master Chef, Cancer, by preparing a delectable five-star meal for a family member who deserves some extra love and care. Spice things up, quite literally, with a dash of Hot Sauce (à la Sean Evans). As you indulge in the delectable feast, conduct a tongue-in-cheek interview that rivals the intensity of a Hot Ones episode. From the fiery depths of Da Bomb Hot Sauce to the deep questions that penetrate the soul, leave no flavor or personal inquiry unexplored. Dive into embarrassing anecdotes, dip into their deepest fears, and unearth family secrets that will make for a truly unforgettable dining experience. Don’t forget to live stream it on Instagram for the world to witness. Bon appétit!

Leo (Lion): Tip the pizza delivery guy generously, Leo! Not all heroes wear capes. And don’t stop there – shower compliments on the local barista who brews your perfect cup of coffee, the talented baker who kneads and bakes your daily bread, the skillful butcher who expertly cuts your meat, and the creative florist who sells those vibrant and beautiful flowers. Let them know their efforts are appreciated. But here’s an extra special thing that you can do: turn on paid subscriptions for five emerging writers on Substack and show your support. By doing so, not only will you support them financially, but also demonstrate your genuine care for their creative endeavors. So grab your reading glasses and embark on a literary adventure! Dive into captivating stories, and enlightening essays. Here’s a reading list to get you started.

Virgo (Virgin): Put your practical skills to good use, Virgo, by offering to help you best friend declutter and organize their living space. Pull the Marie Kondo technique on them but instead of asking “does it spark joy?” ask questions like “does it annoy guests?” “does it scream questionable life choices?” “can it communicate with aliens?” If the answer is in the affirmative, it’s a keeper. Swap chairs with exercise balls, replace light bulbs with glow sticks, hang shoes on the ceiling as a gravity-defying display, stack books in a wacky Jenga tower, and arrange kitchen utensils in an avant-garde art installation. Embrace the unexpected and keep your friend on their toes. For mommy Virgos, here’s something to think about this month.

Libra (Balance): Free yourself, Libra by generously offering your services to the community, free of charge! On Mondays, organise a special screening of Frozen for your neighbourhood kids. Tuesdays beckon you to serve selflessly at a langar or community kitchen, Offer to work double shift at work or do your colleague’s work on Wednesdays and Thursdays. On Fridays, bestow upon your boss unsolicited relationship advice. On Saturdays, stay in bed the entire day to save precious water. While you’re at it, read this. Gift Liverpool jerseys to Manchester United supporters on Sundays. Libra, may your selfless endeavors inspire a harmonious world, one act of kindness at a time!

Scorpio (Scorpion): Remember, empathy is your superpower this month, Scorpio! Put yourself in the shoes of a stranger who left their slippers outside a temple to understand their struggles. Run as fast as you can, not from feeling empathetic, but from that stranger who might chase you down for their precious footwear. Feel their desperation as you sprint through the streets, dodging obstacles and narrowly escaping capture. Let the adrenaline fuel your empathy, as you realize the true value of a comfortable pair of slippers. But remember, Scorpio, true empathy also means passing on those slippers to another stranger who might be in need of them. Leave them at a cemetery, right next to a gravestone with a welcoming note that reads, “For the restless soul in search of cozy footwear.” Go home, settle in, and wait for a visitor to show up.

Sagittarius (Archer): Hey Sagittarius, it’s time to do something special for your partner this month. First, treat them to a delicious dinner from their favorite takeaway joint. Because, let’s face it, nothing screams “romance” like a greasy burger with a side of heartburn. Next, make them some tea and prepare for a good ol’ crying session. It’s a chance to release emotions and connect on a deeper level. And lastly, let’s address the Bermuda Triangle of your life — the enigma known as your work desk. Yes, that black hole responsible for the loss of many items, including laundry bills, half-read novels, phone numbers, important papers, the king of hearts from the deck of cards, a silver ring, a watch, a denim jacket, passes to a match, new sunglasses, and, of course, your partner’s beloved scrunchies. Just do it, Sagittarius, and let those scrunchies find their way back to your partner’s loving embrace. Trust me, they’ll be grateful. Single Sagittarians, do better.

Capricorn (Goat): Have you ever wondered where your chicken comes from, Capricorn? In what conditions is it bred? Is it happy? Here’s something that will answer all your questions. Dedicate this month to fawn over fauna! Offer to be a “Pet Therapist” and listen to animals vent about their day. “Tell me, Mr. Whiskers, how did Mr. Squeaky Toy provoke you today?” Or even better: A “Pet Fortune Teller” who predicts the future of furry friends. “I see a glorious nap in your near future, Fido, followed by a sudden desire to chase your own tail for no apparent reason.” Embrace your quirky side and become a “Pigeon Whisperer,” communicating with the urban avian population to uncover their hidden secrets and bring peace to the skies. “Fear not, oh wise pigeons! I shall decipher your coos and ensure you find the most desirable crumbs in town.” Throw in a bubble bath with elaborate concoctions for our jungle friends, and the universe will reward you.

Aquarius (Water Bearer): Take center stage, Aquarius, and host a kickass karaoke night for your friends, yeah, one where you get to kick their ass. Turn your laptop into a karaoke machine, choose polka dots as the theme, and serve them cold coffee instead of alcohol. Select the most embarrassingly delightful songs for them to sing. Dive into the depths of cheesy pop with Oops I Did It Again by Britney Spears, Barbie Girl by Aqua, Whistle by Flo Rida, It’s Raining Men by The Weather Girls, My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion, Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice and My Hump by Black Eyed Peas. But a song that I absolutely recommend, a song that will take your karaoke night to extraordinary heights is this. Pro tip: Challenge your friends to incorporate the most awkward dance moves into their performances. Think hip thrusts, wildly uncoordinated twirls or Hugh Grant. Have fun!

 Pisces (Fish): It’s that time of the month, Pisces, when you give back to society. Start a “Random Hugs Community” where the unexpected collision of personal space and affectionate strangers creates a thrilling mix of discomfort and warmth. Remember, timing is key. Ambush your unsuspecting targets with a tight embrace, leaving them bewildered and slightly violated, yet oddly touched by your bold display of affection. Or start a “Compliment Valet” service where you offer personalized compliments to people as they enter or exit a building. “Your fashion sense is so on point, Oscar it should come with a warning sign!” Even better: become a “Compliment Consultant” and provide expert-level compliments for every occasion. “You call that cooking? I’ve seen microwaves with more culinary prowess! But I must say, your dish is so fascinatingly awful that it’s almost impressive. It takes true talent to create such a catastrophic flavor profile. Bravo, my friend, you’ve achieved culinary chaos!” Speaking of cooking, here’s a recipe you should definitely try out.

Well, that’s it for this month’s astro-logical advice. Whoever you are, wherever you are, may the sauce be with you! Waka waka forever. And if things do happen to go south (which they will), just remember: It’s not your fault. It’s the fault in our stars. Astrology excuses everything. Until next month.

Love and Chaos,
Miss Predictions

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