Miss Prediction’s Terrible But Well-Meaning Astrology Advice Column*

Are you tired of the same old boring advice from those other astrology columns? Well, you’re in luck! Miss Prediction is here to give you some seriously terrible but well meaning advice that you should definitely (not) follow. Here’s what (not) to expect in May.

*Safety Not Guaranteed

Miss Prediction

Miss Prediction’s Tarot Reading Session for 2023 Captured in a Rare Photograph

Aries (Ram): You’re going to meet a celebrity at the grocer’s this month, Aries! Keep your eyes peeled for anyone who looks like they might be somebody important. Dress in anything that doesn’t scream, “I just rolled out of bed” and remember to pay them a casual compliment like “You look even more stunning on TV than you do in real life”. After all, nothing impresses a celebrity more than a cocky fan. But be warned, not all celebrity encounters go as planned. When I met Beyonce at the local grocery store, I was so excited that I accidentally knocked over an entire shelf of cereal boxes. Beyonce just looked at me and said, “You’re not ready for this jelly.” So be prepared for anything, and remember to keep your cool.

Taurus (Bull): It’s time to crack open the age old question, Taurus: Why did the chicken cross the road? But before you answer that, you must ask yourself: what is the chicken’s true motivation? Is it seeking enlightenment? Running away from a bad breakup? Or perhaps, just trying to make it to a Black Friday sale? As the great philosopher Aristotle once said, “To understand the chicken, one must first become the chicken.” So start practicing your chicken impression and immerse yourself in clucking culture. With the alignment of Jupiter and Mars in your ninth coop, the answer to this mysterious question, will finally be revealed to you! And if it doesn’t, just remember the wise words of Colonel Sanders himself, “I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.”

Gemini (Twins): Nostalgia begets you, Gemini. It’s time to revisit your favourite 80s bands – The Smiths, Wham!, The Police, Go-Go’s – and let the music inspire you to take on bigger causes like convincing your boss to let you wear a fanny pack to work, or a petition to bring back the mullet hairstyle. But be warned, Gemini, listening to too much 80s music can have side effects. You might find yourself sporting a neon-colored scrunchie and leg warmers while driving around in a DeLorean. Don’t be surprised if you suddenly have the urge to start a flash mob in the middle of a crowded mall, or if you start referring to everyone as “dude” and “radical”. Regardless, embrace the polka dots and head sweatbands while you can.

Cancer (Crab): Wedding season is on, Cancer! Your father might want to walk you down the aisle at your seaside wedding. Perhaps it’s a good idea to remind him you don’t adhere to patriarchy, even on a yacht. Plus, let’s not forget the environmental impact of yacht weddings. Instead, suggest having the wedding on a solar-powered barge, with a vegan menu and recyclable decorations. For Cancerians attending a wedding, expect the unexpected! With Uranus entering Bride Wars, don’t be surprised if the bride shows up in a clown costume or unicycle. There’s a strong possibility of climate activists attacking the greasy cake with some fresh paint or Black Blocs staging their next protest against expensive wedding tux. If the situation gets messy, join the protesters. At least they’re making a point.

Leo (Lion): Oh dear, dear Leo, it seems like you’re in for a scandalous ride this month. The stars are aligning to make you a keeper of secrets. But let’s be real, what good is a secret if you can’t share it with your 20 followers on Twitter? So, listen intently to your best friend’s deepest, darkest confession, and then promptly tweet about it with a cryptic message like “just found out something juicy, but I’ll never tell.” Reveal all details the moment a mutual comments with “come on, spill the tea!” So grab your phone and start taking notes, and don’t forget to hashtag it with a witty and catchy phrase like #FriendshipGoneWild or #BetrayedByBFF. After all, the internet is the new therapist, right? Your bestie will thank you later.

Virgo (Virgin): Looks like Neptune is trying to hitch a ride on a weakened Mercury and sneak its way into your 32nd house, Virgo. But don’t worry, it’s just like that annoying cousin who always shows up uninvited to family gatherings. Politely ask them to get lost and focus on more important things like learning how to knit a sweater for your cat or perfecting your sock-folding technique or practicing your interpretive dance routine to “The Macarena.” Be sure to hang a horseshoe over the door, sprinkle some sugar in the corners, and chant “Namaste, Neptune, but not in my house!” three times every morning at 3:20 am. And trust me, you’ll be fine.

Libra (Balance): Listen closely, Libra, for I foresee a great hunger in your future. You will be drawn to the golden arches of McDonald’s this month like a moth to a flame, and no amount of willpower can stop it. I suggest premeditating on your order before you walk in to avoid wasting the cashier’s precious time. With Saturn lurking ominously behind a burger in your eleventh house, remember to end your Happy Meal on a sweet note with a McFlurry or Soft Serve. Tip the waiter generously and treat that old man in the corner to a large fries. It is only through generosity that you may earn the favour of the fast-food gods and ascend to a higher level of burger enlightenment. Bon appétit!

Scorpio (Scorpion): You’re going to receive an unexpected package this month, Scorpio! But don’t be too quick to tear it open, because Uranus is in retrograde and it could be a cursed object from a vengeful ex-lover. Instead, try performing a ritual with a football and a shaving razor to cleanse the package of any negative energy. And if that doesn’t work, you can always re-gift it to someone you don’t like. Remember, Scorpio, as the old saying goes: “If the package is unexpected, the contents are likely infected.” Also remember what the great astrologer, Madame Zara said, “If you receive an unexpected package, it’s a sign from the universe that you need to take a risk and try something new. Unless, of course, it’s ticking. Then run for the hills, my dear.”

Sagittarius (Archer): Your ascendant sign has figuratively flipped off your lunar sign, Sagittarius. Let me explain: your ascendant sign is acting like a rebellious teenager while your lunar sign is stuck being a responsible adult. This means that you can read “The Power of Positive Thinking” 27 times, and buy the book in every format available, including the limited edition scratch-and-sniff version, but you’ll still not radiate positivity. Maybe it’s time to embrace a more extreme approach like getting a “Think Positive” face tattoo or wearing a permanent smile mask. Just don’t forget to document your journey on Instagram for maximum self-help. Doing this in public will help spread positivity in the world.

Capricorn (Goat): Single Capricorns, avoid cutting your nails and you’ll be fine. Parent Capricorns, it’s pick-a-gift-for-your-child’s-class-teacher-month. Here are some suggestions: Consider gifting the teacher a live llama or a gallon of goat milk. They’ll appreciate the unique gesture and have something to talk about with their therapist for years to come. If you’re feeling especially daring, go for the classic gift of cash. And if all else fails, just bake them some brownies. Who doesn’t love brownies, right? Plus, it’s a gift that won’t break the bank or raise any eyebrows. Just make sure to label them “not laced with anything” to avoid any misunderstandings. Choose wisely, Capricorn, your child’s future depends on it.

Aquarius (Water Bearer): Springtime may bring joy and renewal to some, but not you, Aquarius! The stars have spoken, and they’re saying that while everyone else is blossoming like a beautiful flower, you’re gonna be more like a cactus – dry and prickly. This is because moody Moon is locked out of your fifth house and the only way to channelize it is to #findthekey. First, check all of your pockets, even the ones you haven’t worn in years. If that doesn’t work, try retracing your steps from the night of the full moon. Maybe you left the key at a bar or nightclub, or perhaps it fell out of your pocket while dancing under the stars? Either way, a little detective work might do the trick. And if all else fails, just call a cosmic locksmith. They’ll surely know what to do.

 Pisces (Fish): Pisces, poser Pluto’s ploy to piggyback on your planetary positions poses a problem this month but worry not, Pluto is no longer a planet, phew! But don’t get too comfortable, because that doesn’t mean Pluto won’t try to sneak into your planetary party and cause some cosmic chaos. It’s time to take action, Pisces! Grab your birthday hat and some rose water, because we’re about to perform a planetary exorcism. Gather all your Enid Blyton books and chant “Pluto, oh Pluto, you’re not welcome here, go back to being a Disney cartoon, my dear!” 8 times followed by “Bippity boppity boo, get outta here, Pluto, shoo!” 9 times – while standing on your head. This is sure to ward off Pluto’s evil cosmic energy. Good luck!

Well, that’s it for this month’s astro-logical advice. Whoever you are, wherever you are, may the sauce be with you! Waka waka forever. And if things do happen to go south (which they will), just remember: It’s not your fault. It’s the fault in our stars. Astrology excuses everything. Until next month.

Love and Chaos,
Miss Prediction

You can read mispredictions for earlier months here.


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