Miss Prediction’s Terrible But Well-Meaning Astrology Advice Column*

Are you tired of the same old boring advice from those other astrology columns? Well, you’re in luck! Miss Prediction is here to give you some seriously terrible but well meaning advice that you should definitely (not) follow. Here’s what (not) to expect in April.

*Safety Not Guaranteed

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Aries (Ram): Ah, Aries, the impatient DIY-ers of the zodiac! Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day, but you’re not building Rome. You’re just trying to put together that IKEA furniture without losing any screws or your sanity. First things first: chuck the instructions manual! You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life, rely on your intuition and a hammer instead. And if it fails (which chances are it will), just throw the pieces out the window and claim it’s the new Scandinavian minimalist design. Who needs screws anyway? Good luck!

Taurus (Bull): Travel plans are on the horizon, Taurus! But let’s be real, we know the highlight of your trip will be taking Instagram pictures to make your ex jealous. And let’s not forget the souvenir shopping, because nothing says “I went somewhere” like a shot glass with the name of a city you can’t pronounce. And while you’re at it, why not splurge on some tacky tourist shirts to wear at home and remind yourself of the good times you had (or the money you wasted). But hey, at least you’ll have those memories (and a few extra pounds from all those tacos).

Gemini (Twins): The early bird gets the worm…but also the early morning traffic. So hit that snooze button a few times and let someone else catch the worm for a change. Let’s be real, worms are kinda gross. Treat yourself to 7 nice bagels instead. Make sure to get some cream cheese to go with it, because we all know plain bagels are for amateurs. And while you’re at it, Gemini, why not switch things up and try a different, longer route to work? Who knows, maybe you’ll discover a new coffee shop or find the love of your life, stuck in a traffic jam.

Cancer (Crab): It’s time to break out of your shell, Cancer! But not too much, we don’t want you getting mistaken for a lobster at the seafood market. And the last thing you want is to end up in someone’s seafood boil. Take baby steps towards change. If you go swimming, scuttle sideways into the pool. Order a different kind of latte at Starbucks. Wear your socks inside out for a day, Brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand. Switch the side of bed you sleep on. Have your favourite cookies with ketchup. With these small changes, you’re bound to lose your self … err shell.

Leo (Lion): This month, Leo, you’re going to have to face some hard truths. Namely, that you’re not as cool as you think you are. In fact, you’re about as cool as a penguin in a sauna. But don’t worry, you can still salvage some of your dignity by wearing sunglasses indoors and pretending like you’re not sweating profusely. In matters of love, you’re going to have to be extra careful. That means double-checking your Tinder matches to make sure they’re not bots, and avoiding anybody who lists “long walks on the beach” and “The Office” as one of their interests. Trust me, you don’t need sand in your shoes or reruns of The Office.

Virgo (Virgin): Hey Virgo, you’re going to have to start thinking outside the box at work. And by “box,” I mean the cubicle that you’ve been trapped in for the past decade. Try working from a hammock for a change, or holding your next meeting at a dive bar. Just be sure to expense your drinks to the company account. You’re a hard worker, Virgo but don’t forget to take breaks. In fact, research shows that 75% breaks and 255 work increases productivity. Take a page out of your Sagittarius coworker’s book and plan a spontaneous office prank. Just make sure you don’t get caught by HR.

Libra (Balance): According to a recent study by the Institute of Astrological Research, Libras who wear socks with sandals are statistically more likely to experience unexpected romantic encounters. So go ahead and embrace the fashion faux pas, Libra. Who knows, you might just meet the love of your life at the grocery store. But don’t get too caught up in romance. The stars also suggest that you need to take some time to focus on yourself this month. I recommend taking a solo trip to a remote island without your phone, or at least spending a few hours studying quantum mechanics or aeronautical engineering.

Scorpio (Scorpion): This month, it’s time to embrace your dark side, Scorpio! But not in a “I’ll eat a chocolate cake for breakfast” but Darth Vader kinda way. Studies show that revengeful acts can actually increase productivity and happiness. So don’t waste your time eating that cake, binge-watching that Netflix series, and staying up all night reading that steamy romance novel. Seek out evil things to do, show no mercy. And remember, as the great fictional Scorpio, Severus Snape, once said, “After all this time?” “Always.” So always be true to yourself and your inner Slytherin.

Sagittarius (Archer): Listen up, Sagittarius, because the stars have some big news for you this month! According to my extensive research (read: a quick Google search), it seems that Jupiter is in retrograde, which means you should probably avoid wearing yellow on Tuesdays, which includes no mustard sauce on Tuesdays. I know it sounds random, but trust me, the universe works in mysterious ways. On the work front, a nosy Virgo co-worker might approach you for some fun ideas. Avoid them at all costs. Save your legendary book of pranks for another day.

Capricorn (Goat): As the most organized sign of the zodiac, you’re well-suited (you love those ironed suits, don’t you?) for corporate life. Neptune is favourably placed in the house of fuckups which means it’s the best time to start your own cult. You already have a religious following of loyal coworkers, so what are you waiting for? Just make sure to include some corporate jargon in your teachings, like “synergize” and “leverage.” And remember, always dress for success, even when preaching about the end of the world. As one great Capricorn once said, “The only way to do great work is to cult-ivate wrong belief.”

Aquarius (Water Bearer): It’s time to climb the ladder of success, Aquarius! Not just any metaphorical ladder that represents your climb to the top of the business world but a literal ladder! Just don’t fall off, because your insurance package doesn’t cover workplace ladder injuries. Embrace a more passive-aggressive approach. Leave anonymous sticky notes in the break room criticizing your co-workers’ snack choices, or strategically place your boss’s favorite coffee mug out of their reach. After all, as the saying goes, “The pen is mightier than the sword, but a passive-aggressive Post-It note is mightier than both.”

 Pisces (Fish): Pisces, it’s time to make it rain (or at least, drizzle). But don’t worry if your bank account is looking a little empty, because I’ve got some surefire tips for making money. Have you considered selling your old toenail clippings online? Or maybe starting a YouTube channel dedicated to reviewing different types of dirt? The possibilities are endless, and so is your potential for profit. According to a recent study by the Institute of Completely Made-Up Statistics, Pisces individuals who embrace their eccentricities and market it to the masses earn up to 500% more than their non-Piscean peers. Be a weirdpreneur!

Well, that’s it for this month’s astro-logical advice. Whoever you are, wherever you are, may the sauce be with you! Waka waka forever. And if things do happen to go south (which they will), just remember: It’s not your fault. It’s the fault in our stars. Astrology excuses everything. Until next month.

Love and Chaos,
Miss Predictions


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