Bridegroom Wanted: A Matrimonial Ad for Myself

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Artwork by Mansi Bhatia

At 30, I wouldn’t consider myself too old or too young.

At 30, I am not married, as is obvious from my titular request.

I identify as a woman, biologically.

Unlike most of my counterparts, I am not yet settled if that means securing a safe six figure job or a huge mansion for a home. Also, I don’t have the backup of a generational asset waiting in my bank account.

I was rummaging through some matrimonial columns to get a vague sense of how exactly I should frame one for myself.

Honestly, I am none of those ‘God fearing’, ‘fair’, ‘considerate’, ‘mealy-mouthed’, ‘homely’ girls.

I am 5 feet 4 inches tall and currently weigh around eighty. All I can say with regard to that is it goes up if I give in to my love for sweets. It goes down if I am not going through a mental turmoil, do my regular workout, and am a little cautious about what goes into my plate

Furthermore, I am somewhere between dark and dusky, if that makes sense. It depends on how much I am willing to let myself get tanned under the hot sun. Though I know for a fact that a strict skin care routine can bring a lot of difference to the way I look; I am just a little too careless about it. I do care about looking presentable, just not as much as these people do on social media. But on rare occasions when I have the heart to glam up myself, I do give it a try, I have even downloaded some of the best tips. I have spent some money trying out a few of those recommended creams. I just don’t remember where I stacked them now.

Well, as for my profession, I am a full-time teacher not because it is a ‘9 to 5 pm job’, ‘a convenient women’s job’ or a job suggested by my parents. It was my choice. Also, I love to write. That’s another choice I made. So, you see, having the freedom to make ‘choices’ in life matters.

I go where the road takes me, and so, I have explored a bit of this country and had a brief stint working abroad. That brings me to my passion for travelling. I enjoy exploring places, meeting people and trying different food; it is cathartic.

I am not into politics, although I may hold certain political views, and I am not at all into religion. I believe those two things can suck the souls of people. Instead, I believe in the power of my solitary confessions with the universe, and that’s that.

At 30, after many failed attempts at finding true love, I am looking for a suitable alliance.

Yes, I have thought through this.

I am thinking of marriage not because my neighbour Sheela aunty feels that I might not get better proposals later on.

I am thinking of marriage not because my parents have given up convincing me.

I am thinking of marriage, not because most of my friends are onto baby number two or three by now.

Neither have I chosen to give it a try because of loneliness.

After living almost a decade alone due to work and constant relocation, I am much at ease with myself. I spent almost around eight months at a stretch during the pandemic, all alone except for the random visits of my landlord auntyji with chai and sandwiches. That was irresistible!

You will find me at peace in a crowd as well as in the isolated corner of a park. However, I must say that I particularly enjoy sitting by a stream, either alone or with a friend who doesn’t compel me to speak much.

Now I should write about the kind of bridegroom I am looking for, that’s how it is in the matrimonial columns.

You can be in your 30s, I prefer millennials so that way we may have a better understanding and connection. We could relate to the 90s songs, the 90s movies. We can even reminisce and laugh about Tom & Jerry, Popeye the Sailor or Dexter’s Laboratory and Courage the Cowardly Dog, if you were into cartoons back then. We had those video game cassettes those days. Super Mario and the like, wasn’t it fun?!  My brother and I had a huge collection. All lost somewhere.

I don’t have any particular demands on how you look as long as you look neat and presentable. That’s basic. So, I am not going into that.

I like surprises.

As for your job, I do not have any specifications. You should have a job because given the situation, it takes two of us to make ends meet. Besides, I am someone who believes financial stability is inevitable for a peaceful marital existence. I got that idea from a friend. There is this advantage that comes with having married friends, free advice.

It helps.

I do not care if you are religious or not; the most important thing is not to force me to follow a practice. That is sure to bring about conflicts. Furthermore, it is high time we consider religious beliefs as very private. They shouldn’t be a factor that affects relationships. I am saying this from my experience of having a chance encounter with a man. Everything seemed great until he decided to drive me into following his religion. As you guessed, it didn’t work out for both of us.

And as for children, I would suggest that they be brought up as ‘religion not stated’. Let them grow up as human beings. When time comes, let them make a choice. Let them seek the truth. Considering the stringent conditions within which we are brought up, I may be willing to negotiate a bit in this aspect.

The same goes for politics.

Your past is not my concern. I don’t care if you are an ‘innocent’ divorcee or not. What I care about is how well we get along. We can talk about our present and the future together.

Cooking, cleaning, and washing are chores, not just for women. If you’re so used to your mother doing it all for you and think it’s solely a woman’s work, that thought is a red flag for me

Even then, I can do it. I may or may not need you to support, but showing that you care makes a difference. Sometimes all a woman needs is the feeling that the man cares. When she works a full-time job and then at home, your presence in the kitchen will bring a smile, even if you may not do anything solid. Small gestures of love matter, don’t they?

Having said that, being a hopeless romantic, I would love it if you have a romantic side

Bring me flowers, at least once on my birthday.

Show up on my door with a bouquet of flowers and chocolates.

Hold my hand and walk me through the park.

Kiss me on my forehead and on my cheeks.

Take me to the beach.

Let’s dip our feet in the cold water and draw hearts in the sand.

Take me to the woods.

Let’s go on a long walk.

Gift me books; I would love that. Or just take me to a bookstore.

Let’s sit side by side, hold hands and watch a movie together.

Let’s have this long conversation before we sleep.

You and I are never going to agree on everything. 

Still, we can talk.

We can work on it.

I will come halfway; you take the other half.

Together, we’ll be what honey is for the bees.

And let’s grow old together.

P.S. – I am told by my currently married friends that an alliance invited by the parents tends to be favored, as opposed to those shared by the wannabe bride or groom themselves. Nevertheless, I choose to seek an alliance for myself, as I consider nothing wrong with mature adults seeking a partner for themselves.

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Mahima Roselin Varghese

Mahima is an English teacher, writer and a spoken word aficionado. She enjoys travelling to explore places and people. She has published a creative non-fiction book, “Brother, Please Don’t Rape Me!’, an anthology questioning and mocking the prevalent rape culture in the society and her write-ups have been published in various journals and newspapers. As a teacher and writer, she believes in breaking stereotypes. You can connect with her on instagram.


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