Are you tired of the same old boring advice from those other astrology columns? Well, you’re in luck! Miss Prediction is here to give you some seriously terrible but well meaning advice that you should definitely not follow. “Challenge Accepted,'” we hear you say! Here’s what to expect in January.
*Safety Not Guaranteed
♈ Aries (Ram): Hello there, Aries! If you’re feeling a little lonely and want to find someone special, why not try something unconventional? Don’t text them back at all. Go on a date with someone you wouldn’t normally consider, like your best friend’s ex or your boss. Maybe try a dating app that caters to people with specific interests, like “Gardening Enthusiasts Only” or “Gluten-Free Singles.” Maybe even try dating a sheep for a while. Be open to all possibilities.
♉ Taurus (Bull): If you want to really stand out this month, why not try acting like a total narcissist? Go ahead and brag about all your accomplishments to everyone you meet. And if someone tries to bring you down, just gaslight them and make them doubt their own thoughts and feelings. In the romance department, we suggest going on as many terrible dates as possible. Why settle for one decent person when you can waste your time and energy on a bunch of losers? Plus, it’ll give you plenty of material for your next stand-up comedy set.
♊ Gemini (Twins): For the chatty Geminis out there, it’s time to embrace the art of miscommunication. You know what they say, “a little bit of confusion is good for the soul.” So this week, why not try to confuse everyone around you with your words? Speak in gibberish, make up your own language, or even try to convince people that the sky is actually purple. Trust me, it will be a month to remember.
♋ Cancer (Crab): For our emotionally sensitive Cancerians, it’s time to embrace your inner heartless monster. As the sheep sages say, “feelings are overrated.” Try to suppress all your emotions and act like a complete robot. It might be a little tough at first, but trust me, it will be worth it in the end. When it comes to making career decisions, flip a coin. Or better yet, just do nothing. Like feelings, work is overrated too.
♌ Leo (Lion): Hey Leos, looking to make some really bad life choices? Follow this advice and you’ll be sure to ruin your life in no time! First things first, ditch that whole ‘personal responsibility’ thing. It’s borrring. Just blame everything on your astrological sign and call it a day. If anyone gives you any constructive criticism or tough love, just brush it off and call them haters. They’re just jealous of your royal lioness status.
♍ Virgo (Virgin): You know what the sheep sages say, “cleanliness is next to baldness. Raccoona matata” So why not let your inner hoarder shine? Don’t do any chores, let the dishes pile up, let the laundry soar high. Even try to see how long you can go without taking a shower. Be rest assured it will liberating. Hold off any travel plans you’re making. Stay home, save money.
♎ Libra (Balance): Attention, Libras! Are you tired of always being told to balance everything and make fair decisions? Well worry not, here’s some life changing advice: Stop trying to please everyone all the time. Who cares if your boss or partner is upset with you? Life’s too short to give a damn. Remember “Imperfection is the spice of life (and the only condiment we can afford).”
♏ Scorpio (Scorpion): For our mysterious Scorpios, channel your inner Holden Caulfield and rebel against everything. I mean, who needs rules or responsibility, amirite? It’s time to be a skeptic. Question everything! Don’t trust anyone, don’t believe in anything, and even try to convince others that the world is actually flat. Trust me, it will be a month full of hilarious conspiracy theories.
♐ Sagittarius (Archer): Wanna have a stress-free month? Well then don’t set any deadlines, don’t make any plans. And when faced with any difficult tasks or challenges, just remember the wise words of Ron Swanson: “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.” In other words, just give up and do nothing. Speaking of giving up, make every decision based on short-term pleasure. After all, YOLO (or at least that’s what we astrologers like to tell ourselves).
♑ Capricorn (Goat): Listen to your inner party animal. It’s trying to communicate with you. My wild child, go out partying every night, skip work, and make some trouble. Trust me, it will be a month full of memories (or at least, you’ll hope you have some memories). As the sheep sages say: “Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. professionals built the Titanic.”
♒ Aquarius (Water Bearer): It’s time to embrace your inner conformist. In the wise words of Maya Sarabhai: “Monisha beta, herd mentality adopt karo, individuality is so middle class.” So try to blend in as much as possible. Follow the crowd, do what everyone else is doing, stop thinking! You’ll see it will be a month full of social acceptance and validation. XOXO
♓ Pisces (Fish): Go ahead and do that thing you’ve always been told not to do. Steal a car. Rob a bank. Punch your boss in the face. You don’t have to follow the rules like everyone else. Embrace your inner criminal and have some fun. And when it comes to relationships, forget about being honest and open with your partner. Instead, try keeping secrets and playing games. It’ll keep things interesting and unpredictable.
Well, that’s it for this month’s astro-logical advice. Whoever you are, wherever you are, may the sauce be with you! Waka waka forever. And if things do happen to go south (which they will), just remember: It’s not your fault. It’s the fault in our stars. Astrology excuses everything. Until next month.
Love and Chaos,