Miss Prediction’s Terrible But Well-Meaning Astrology Advice Column*

Are you tired of the same old boring advice from those other astrology columns? Well, you’re in luck! Miss Prediction is here to give you some seriously terrible but well meaning advice that you should definitely (not) follow. Here’s what (not) to expect in March.

*Safety Not Guaranteed

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Aries (Ram): You’re like a piece of vegan chocolate cake, Aries – healthy but not necessarily tempting. So make an extra effort to be sweet to people this month. But sweetness might not come naturally to you so this what I recommend: Eat six and a half bars (not more, not less) of Mars chocolate. People around you will be happy and your ruling planet Mars will be impressed by it. Win-win!

Taurus (Bull): Think outside the box, Taurus, but don’t forget to bring your own crayons. As the wise philosopher Dr. Zeus once said, ‘Why fit in when you can just wear a neon green tutu and a cowboy hat to your friend’s wedding?’ So keep on coloring outside the lines and remember to invest in stationery brands this month.

Gemini (Twins): Alright, Gemini, just do everything twice this month, like a little OCD Energizer Bunny. Can’t decide whether to watch Netflix or Hulu? Watch both. Feeling uncertain about a commitment? Make two of them! Don’t let anyone tell you that doubling down is a bad thing. Just keep living your best life, and remember – if at first you don’t succeed, do it twice.

Cancer (Crab): Hey, Cancer, you’re a sign that’s all about emotions, so don’t let logic get in the way of your feelings. As the wise philosopher Sigmund Fraud once said, ‘Emotions are just like the weather, a bunch of fickle unicorns running amok in your brain, leaving behind rainbow poop and destruction wherever they go.’ So why bother trying to understand them or manage them? Just let them take over your life!

Leo (Lion): Remember success is falling nine times and getting up ten…unless you’re a Leo, then it’s falling once and never getting up again. But hey, at least you’ve got a good view of the floor! And speaking of views, Leo, it’s time to step out of your own and consider other people’s perspectives. You know what they say: when in doubt, ask a Virgo. They may not always have the answers, but they’re sure to give you a good floor plan to work with.

Virgo (Virgin): You will be approached by a Leo friend this month for help. Beware, Virgo – helping a Leo is like trying to teach a cat to fetch. It’s just not going to happen, and you’ll only end up with scratches all over your arms. But if you’re feeling particularly masochistic, go ahead and give it a try. Just remember to wear long sleeves and keep some antiseptic handy.

Libra (Balance): Alright, Libra, you’re all about making everyone happy, but let’s be honest, sometimes you’re just a big people-pleaser. It’s time to stop trying to be the human equivalent of a hug, and start standing up for yourself. I mean, come on, you can’t make everyone happy all the time. So stop trying to keep everyone else happy and focus on your own needs for once. Remember, a little selfishness can go a long way. Just ask the guy who hoarded all the toilet paper during the pandemic

Scorpio (Scorpion): It’s time to channel your inner detective, Scorpio. But instead of solving crimes, try solving the mystery of why would anyone voluntarily eat a maggi milkshake or gulab jamun chaat or nutella biryani. It’s a mystery that even the greatest minds of our time have failed to crack. And if you do manage to solve it, please let the rest of us know. We’re dying to find out. And while you’re at it, buy a 1000 piece puzzle. It’ll help you see more clearly.

Sagittarius (Archer): Oh, Sagittarius, the wanderer of the zodiac. You’re like the human version of a Choose Your Own Adventure book. One week you’re a professional hula hooper, the next week you’re starting your own kombucha company, and the next week you’re off to bungee jumping. Stop it! Surprise your friends by being predictable this month. Sit still for 8 hours everyday. If nothing else, you’ll save some money.

Capricorn (Goat): You’re going to get viral this month, Capricorn! Not like the TikTok video viral but like the fever. So don’t forget to take a breather and hit the pause button every now and then. Hydrate, cancel all your social commitments and avoid people like the plague. Invest in a silk handkerchief with your initials carved on it for faster recovery. While you stay indoors, immerse yourself in social media trends. Who knows you might become viral!

Aquarius (Water Bearer): Aquarius, you’re like the indie movie that only a few people get, but everyone else just thinks is weird. I mean, what’s with all the eccentricity and unconventional thinking? Try being basic this month, Stick to the same meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. And while you’re at it, wear the same outfit every day too. You know, like Steve Jobs, but without the innovation or success. You’ll save time on decision-making and laundry both.

 Pisces (Fish): Alright, Pisces, let’s be real. You spend so much time in your own head that you might as well start charging yourself rent. But seriously, take a break from all that daydreaming and do something productive, like knitting a sweater for your pet fish. Invest in some waterproof headphones so you can listen to whale songs while you’re swimming in the kiddie pool in your backyard. Trust me, it’s the ultimate relaxation experience.

Well, that’s it for this month’s astro-logical advice. Whoever you are, wherever you are, may the sauce be with you! Waka waka forever. And if things do happen to go south (which they will), just remember: It’s not your fault. It’s the fault in our stars. Astrology excuses everything. Until next month.

Love and Chaos,
Miss Predictions

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