Miss Prediction’s Terrible But Well-Meaning Astrology Advice Column*

Are you tired of the same old boring advice from those other astrology columns? Well, you’re in luck! Miss Prediction is here to give you some seriously terrible but well meaning advice that you should definitely not follow. Here’s what (not) to expect in February.

*Safety Not Guaranteed

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Aries (Ram): My dear Aries, the stars are not aligned in your favour this week, but don’t get too disappointed. Just because the universe is not working in your favor doesn’t mean you should not make any bold moves or big decisions. In the words of Mock Swain “Don’t keep your mouth shut for fear of appearing foolish. Open it and reveal your inner buffoon.” So go out there, live your life, crack open a beer can and be the king of good times. It’s a great month to buy a plane.

Taurus (Bull): Hey Taurus, are you feeling settled in life? Well, you know what they say, “If it ain’t broke, consider smashing it just for the heck of it.” Why not ruin everything and see what happens? Take a chance, step out of your comfort zone and do something that scares the living daylights out of you. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? You could fail spectacularly and become a viral meme, but hey, that’s life. At least you’ll have a good story to tell your grandkids.

Gemini (Twins): My shifty twins, don’t let anyone put you in a box unless it’s a two-faced box, then go right ahead. And remember, Geminis, two heads are better than one… unless you’re dealing with a headache. Then, one head is definitely better. When in doubt, just split yourself in two and make a decision with each half. That way, you’ll always be in the right and the left at the same time. Or, better yet, just blame it on your alter ego and call it a day.

Cancer (Crab): Cancer, this is going to be a month full of dilemmas and tough choices. Always keep your options open. Unless, of course, you’re talking about keeping the door to the fridge open. That’s simply a waste of energy. Life has lots of lemons (oddly specific, I know) to offer you this month, but remember that lemons are acidic and can give you heartburn. So maybe skip the lemonade and just stick to gin this time. Eight glasses of gin never hurt anyone except the drinker.

Leo (Lion): After a full week of back to back clients, you’re sure to be feeling overworked and under intoxicated. But here’s the good news, Leos: you’ll be flooded with unexpected party invites this month. So seize all work and get an appointment with your hair stylist. Never underestimate the power of a good hair flip. It’s a subtle way to show the world that you can be Shashi Tharoor too.

Virgo (Virgin): Hey there Virgo, stop worrying about tomorrow. If you want to be successful, start each day by wearing your lucky underpants on the outside of your pants. Trust me, it’ll give you that extra boost of confidence and random strangers will be more likely to give you compliments. Pro tip: just make sure they’re clean.

Libra (Balance): If you’re waiting for good news to come around the corner, you might want to move. That corner has been pretty dead with potholes for a while now. Move to the center of the road, block traffic for a day. Don’t forget to pack some peanut butter and jam sandwiches while you’re at it. You’ll be in for a surprise, Libra!

Scorpio (Scorpion): Be sure to carry a lucky rabbit’s foot with you wherever you go. It may seem silly, but you’ll need a little extra luck on your side this month. Pro tip: choose the rabbit’s foot wisely. Make sure it’s from a left-footed rabbit, not a right-footed one. And don’t forget to polish it every full moon, or it’ll lose its shine and all of its magical properties. Good luck, Scorpio!

Sagittarius (Archer): Sagittarius, if you’re feeling down and out, just remember that the world is your oyster. And by that, I mean that it’s full of slimy, gross things that you wouldn’t want to touch with a 10-foot pole. Never let anyone tell you that you aim too high. After all, if you shoot for the moon and miss, you’ll still land among the stars. But if you aim for the stars and miss, you’ll just be lost in space. So aim high, my friend, and never let anyone bring you down.

Capricorn (Goat): Capricorn, if you’re feeling lost at work, start each day by singing ‘I Will Survive’ at the top of your lungs. It’s a surefire way to show your boss you’re confident, resilient, and ready to conquer whatever challenges come your way. Just be prepared for some confused looks from your coworkers (they’re jealous). And don’t forget to belt out those high notes!

Aquarius (Water Bearer): If you can’t find the house of your dreams, build it yourself … in your dreams! Why should Bob the builder have all the fun? After all, as the popular phrase goes, “Home is where the Wi-Fi connects automatically.” So gather up your tools, fire up that DIY imagination, and get to work, Aquarius. Who knows, you might end up with a tree house that doubles as a spaceship, or a home that’s even cooler than the Upside Down? Get ready to say “How you doin’?” to your dream home.

 Pisces (Fish): Forget about waiting for good things to come to you, Pisces. Instead, take matters into your own hands and start creating your own destiny. And here’s a tip to help you do just that: try doing everything backwards from today. Sleep in the morning and work at night, wear your shoes on the wrong feet, and walk backwards wherever you go. Trust me, the universe will take notice of your bravery and reward you with all sorts of fun and unexpected adventures!

Well, that’s it for this month’s astro-logical advice. Whoever you are, wherever you are, may the sauce be with you! Waka waka forever. And if things do happen to go south (which they will), just remember: It’s not your fault. It’s the fault in our stars. Astrology excuses everything. Until next month.

Love and Chaos,
Miss Predictions


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