This personal essay titled “Of Wishes, Gratitude and Hope” is part of the ‘New Mom Diaries’ series. You can read the other essays in this series here.
Hope, desires, and great expectations are all spectacular words, which fill us with an unimaginable strength to bear difficult situations. Hope is good and good things never die. I understand that it is hard to push yourself ahead for a better future with unprepared responsibilities on your shoulder. I am a woman with extraordinary expectations for myself. Some birds are not meant for the cage. They know these cages are places where they will sit for a while and prepare themselves to fly high. With the hope of being able to fly one day, I am working on myself.
I got married at the age of 18 years and left my study halfway. Marriage was a long pause in my life, but the sparks of achieving something different keep me going. Being a sensitive person granted me the ability to piece together shattered pieces into a cohesive whole. I had no mentor so I did what my mom and husband said, obediently fulfilling all their wishes. I still remember when I got my period the day after my marriage ceremony, my husband was not happy. Although he didn’t say anything to me, his way of asking about it was very weird. I can still feel his cold expression. Girls are taught the importance of making others happy, being pretty, being quiet, being funny but we are also expected to cover our pain behind beautiful smiles. Society dictates that marriage is a requirement, followed by motherhood, and that is all. Your mind and body are not their responsibility. I was in unspoken pain, and I could not express anything to anybody, as they all treated me according to their own standards.
I wasn’t treated respectfully when I was young, and this is my question to those who pushed me into motherhood at the tender age of 18: Was there no consideration for wisdom? Did my child not deserve a mature and understanding mother? As a new mother to a baby girl, I experienced severe pain when the doctor forcefully squeezed my body for breastfeeding, sternly emphasizing that it was my duty as a mother to feed my hungry baby. I was so scared for my baby, but despite my fears, I summoned my strength, tied my hair, and prepared myself for the adventures ahead. In that moment, I had someone who said to me “I trust you” and “I feel safe in your arms.” It was my baby, my princess, who made me feel that I was enough for her.
I find myself torn between two dilemmas: “I wish I had” and “I am glad I did .”I relate to both in equal measure: While I wish I had more time to adjust to the facts of life, I am now glad to have a companion who understands and navigates these facts with me.
Kuldeep, an author, has devoted her life to her children and teaching since the age of 15. Her journey is defined by resilience, confronting challenges head-on without a safety net. Starting businesses from scratch repeatedly, illuminates her unwavering tenacity. She channels her experiences into her writings, capturing the essence of what she has endured over the years. Kaur’s words bear witness to her profound empathy, love for children, and indomitable spirit in the face of adversity.