New Mom Diaries: Making a Mother

This poem titled ‘Making a Mother’ is part of the ‘New Mom Diaries’ series.

Stillende Mutter
Mother Breastfeeding By Paula Modersohn Becker

The day before I gave birth, my mother gave me a look of pity

“You will never feel at peace again”

she said

I dismissed her words as only a daughter could

My mid 20 year old mind could not grasp the depth of my misconceptions about motherhood

For instance, I imagined birth to be like a really bad period

———que laughter——-

But on sept 21 2018

I felt myself tear open

Followed by a fleeting moment of intense relief as suddenly the pressure shifted from my womb to a weight on my chest

This was not peace

This was the responsibility of complete fragility in its finest form

There is no fear like the fear of fresh flesh

Your heart is now lying on your chest 

And It’s helpless

I struggled to breastfeed and stay awake

The nurses made sure to wake me every 2 hours

Do you want him to starve? They said

I felt myself tear open

I crushed my soul into an eternal life force for this tiny body

I expanded my mind to fill the cracks in the sidewalk so my child could skip and dance and maybe know peace 

To become a mother is to become mortal

Where was my Instagram worthy adorable?

Candles suddenly look catastrophic

Car rides looked like capacity for tragedy

Tracking microchips don’t seem like that crazy of an idea anymore

The water heater haunts me

Immediately hormones hijack your brain

Permanent, overwhelming survival mode

You’re a mother now

Remnants of carefree stripped away piece by piece

Each milestone gives new meaning to vulnerability

Analyzing car to side walk ratios as you walk down the street

Rewiring my brain to see the best it can see

I can’t even hear myself think

Have to wait until they’re asleep to feel some relief before I’m back on my feet

I now have anchors holding me here 

And I can’t leave

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

As a mother I say I don’t break because I am already broken and

I felt myself tear open

anonymous female Author

Brittni Robinson

Brittni, 30, lives in Eugene, Oregon where she is a stay at home mom of 2. Motherhood has increasingly inspired her to use poetry as an outlet and a voice for others. As a blahcksheep, she feels compelled to share the sensitive and survivalist sides of motherhood. She is currently working on her first ever poetry book.


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