This poem titled ‘Making a Mother’ is part of the ‘New Mom Diaries’ series.
The day before I gave birth, my mother gave me a look of pity
“You will never feel at peace again”
she said
I dismissed her words as only a daughter could
My mid 20 year old mind could not grasp the depth of my misconceptions about motherhood
For instance, I imagined birth to be like a really bad period
———que laughter——-
But on sept 21 2018
I felt myself tear open
Followed by a fleeting moment of intense relief as suddenly the pressure shifted from my womb to a weight on my chest
This was not peace
This was the responsibility of complete fragility in its finest form
There is no fear like the fear of fresh flesh
Your heart is now lying on your chest
And It’s helpless
I struggled to breastfeed and stay awake
The nurses made sure to wake me every 2 hours
Do you want him to starve? They said
I felt myself tear open
I crushed my soul into an eternal life force for this tiny body
I expanded my mind to fill the cracks in the sidewalk so my child could skip and dance and maybe know peace
To become a mother is to become mortal
Where was my Instagram worthy adorable?
Candles suddenly look catastrophic
Car rides looked like capacity for tragedy
Tracking microchips don’t seem like that crazy of an idea anymore
The water heater haunts me
Immediately hormones hijack your brain
Permanent, overwhelming survival mode
You’re a mother now
Remnants of carefree stripped away piece by piece
Each milestone gives new meaning to vulnerability
Analyzing car to side walk ratios as you walk down the street
Rewiring my brain to see the best it can see
I can’t even hear myself think
Have to wait until they’re asleep to feel some relief before I’m back on my feet
I now have anchors holding me here
And I can’t leave
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
As a mother I say I don’t break because I am already broken and
I felt myself tear open
Brittni Robinson
Brittni, 30, lives in Eugene, Oregon where she is a stay at home mom of 2. Motherhood has increasingly inspired her to use poetry as an outlet and a voice for others. As a blahcksheep, she feels compelled to share the sensitive and survivalist sides of motherhood. She is currently working on her first ever poetry book.
