For many years I was confused. My ideals and expressions were ridiculed. I did not know myself. I lived my life in the false beliefs put in me by society. I am not straight. I am not straight. I say it with confidence now for I have figured it out in all these years that I am not straight. Hundreds of trials, I have failed. I cannot be straight. I cannot be straight. I may be bullied. I may be abandoned. I may be another diseased person in your eyes. But… the truth is gonna remain so – I am not straight. I am not straight.

What is a life lived behind curtains ? I am out now so that I may love myself a little more. I may open my arms to embrace my friends and family, to love them a little more, with little or no fear of being caught for the crime I never committed. I fear not now for I have befriended the cosmos. Not ashamed but grateful. For this is what opened my heart to the wonders of nature.

Let the entire world know that I am not straight. Bowing before the idols in the temple, I forgot to bow before the mighty cosmos and in turn myself. How far will I run from myself ? I am not what the stereotypes might tell you. I am much more than that. I don’t need a coming out party. I don’t need your sympathy. This is just a self-centred post to let me believe that I have not wronged my dear ones by hiding the most important part of myself.

And you, my most dear one, I am the same you knew before, you now know me better. Many of you might be knowing this already. I am tired of letting you make guesses. I may live my whole life under the pretext of what I am not. I may hide my identity from you all forever but that will not make me ‘me’. I am not here to speak lies, or project a fake person upon you all. So, I have chosen to declare it here. No one knows what is going to happen in the next moment.

So, I declare it now that I am not straight, not even as you might expect. I love myself for who I am and I know you too love yourself for who you are. I hope you love yourself because I love you exactly the way you are. I am still a masculine man, with a twist – just not the way you see it.

liberated

and suddenly, as if the sun was covered quickly by wandering clouds,

sadness took over my being.

the birds like joy, which were flying high,

came down.

my spirits lowered down as if flooded by a sudden rise in the river of sorrow.

logic could not answer the low in my mood.

it was as if a mad elephant broke into fields, without any warning, without any sign.

it was as if a forest teeming with life was set on fire.

though they were waves of sorrow, when they touched me, I felt liberated.

Apurav Mahajan

Apurav is an 18 year old sceptic from Kapurthala, Punjab. He has always felt like a misfit in aheteronormative society. He questions almost everything. He does not  abide by the standards set by society and does whatever feels right to him.