Emotions, especially those with negative connotations, refuse to leave. They are like stubborn long term head-aches which keep coming back until you get a proper diagnosis. Quite like those head-aches, in the beginning one wouldn’t even consider them a problem because things happen, sometimes you are just tired or have tormented the poor brain too much that it’s fair it wants to explode. Nothing wrong with that. One can always sleep those off. Until they start getting frequent, and then you start noting what are the things that contribute to it. No, you are still stubborn enough and don’t want to figure out what exactly it is, because it might be life-altering. And you have a perfectly good routine in place.
So, there’s a side of you that tells you that you are bothered by the temperature above or below certain degrees, the sleep-deprivation, lack of proper hydration, staring at the screen continuously for more than a particular number of hours. And you might try to navigate around those, but not strongly enough because pain-killers and sleeping it off is still working. You can still distract yourself. Also, why bother someone else with it? It’s just the past weeks have been a little too rough, once life slows down again it would be better.
Without as many busy hours as you had, glancing away from the pain becomes harder. There’s nothing to force myself to get out of the bed for, and the head-ache you have been ignoring digs its nails, exclaims it’s there and starts impairing my life. The exhaustion becomes too much, and that’s the point if one can afford to, we would get a diagnosis.
Here’s the caveat though, emphasis on if we can afford to. Of course, one’ health is important but there are other things as well and you might just not be able to spare that much time or money or even consideration, because everything else is more important than the stupid-silly head-ache which couldn’t let you focus on your life. Because getting a diagnosis would make it too real, and what if it’s something extremely serious. Ignorance is bliss, after all.
Now, I am slightly better with my physical ailments. I am such a princess in that regard, I wouldn’t bear with the head-ache for such a long time. I wouldn’t make it worse; I will talk to four different people, do my search, find a doctor, and get a prescription as soon as possible. But we were talking emotions, the ‘bad ones’ specifically, the stress, the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the restlessness, the irritation, the hurt, the worthlessness, the insecurity, the jealousy, the uncertainty, the disbelief, the distrust, the heartbreak …
All of these I believe would be a blasphemy to people in my life because they have always been kind with no malicious intention whatsoever. It would disrupt the spotless image of the people in my heart, it would mean I am holding grudges, it would mean I am foolish enough to be a pushover and give others too much of me, as even considering that someone would take too much of me willingly is a phrase wrong to my consciousness. Anyways, I can always sleep it off.
Until I can’t.
Navigating around the things I dislike doesn’t work, and the mundane routine things which make me feel better about myself stop soothing me as well. All of it aided by the constant exhaustion, and sleeping for too long simultaneously with never sleeping enough. I have required a proper ‘prescription’ to get me out of such a place once, and maybe they were simply sleeping pills because I remember sleeping for the whole day long.
It has never gotten that bad since. I talk, I journal, I meditate, I introspect and acknowledge when I am feeling bad and what and why, stop myself from invalidating my feelings and it works wonders. Diagnosing or acknowledging my emotions ground me enough that I can start making changes in my lifestyle and avoid seeking help from outside. I still hate doing it just as much.
So, I have to be self-aware because emotions, specifically the ones with negative connotations refuse to leave. I just wish whoever you are, wherever you are, and at whatever stage of your life, you give your head-aches due consideration and get well.
Avantika is currently pursuing a degree in History from Indraprastha College for Women. She writes to convey, express, understand, and breathe.