Miss Prediction’s Terrible But Well-Meaning Astrology Advice Column*

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Are you tired of the same old boring advice from those other astrology columns? Well, you’re in luck! Miss Prediction is here to give you some seriously terrible but well meaning advice that you should definitely (not) follow. Here’s what to expect in August.

Miss Prediction

Aries (Ram): Hey there, fiery Aries! Brace yourself; this month, you’re about to become an annoying influenza, making one too many Instagram and TikTok reels for anybody’s liking. You’ll be a one-person show, producing viral content ranging from “What I Eat in a Day” Vlogs to transition and dance challenges, not to mention those cringe-worthy sponsorship posts. Your misadventures will have your friends rolling their eyes and questioning your sanity. Remedy, you ask? Get off social media now!

Taurus (Bull): It is the season of goof-ups, Taurus! Be careful about what you order. If you’re at a restaurant and order french fries, chances are the waiter will end up serving you french beans. If you ask for sushi, you’ll receive sashimi. If you order naan, you might receive a playful platter of nanaimo bars instead! When placing food orders online, be doubly careful. You’re prone to ordering something while thinking of something completely different in your head. Want a way out? Stick to eating at home.

Gemini (Twins):You’re such a butterfingers, Gemini! Be careful with your phone this month; you’re prone to dropping it multiple times. Stay away from crockery or glass-selling shops. Avoid museum visits or simply refrain from touching anything. Remember, it’s nice to see and good to hold, but if broken, it’s considered sold. So, keep those clumsy hands in check and avoid turning valuable items into unexpected souvenirs

Cancer (Crab): You’re gonna be skipping mornings this month, Cancer. I suggest switching to a remote job with flexible hours because waking up before 11 is going to be an uphill task! No amount of alarm clocks or cups of coffee is going to save you. Early to bed, yet late to rise will be your ordeal for August. So embrace your nocturnal nature and make the most of the moonlit hours!

Leo (Lion): It’s your birthday month, Leo! But the irony is that you’re going to be constantly forgetting and mixing up the birthdays and anniversaries of your loved ones this month. If you mark it on a calendar, you’ll forget where you’ve kept the calendar. You might even forget your own birthday! So brace yourself for a wild month of error and confusion. Don’t forget to have lots of cake on your special day. Happy (and forgetful) birthday, Leo!

Virgo (Virgin): Oh, dear Virgo, ’tis the season of miscommunication! You’ll be making lots of texting errors – faux pas that could fire back. Check twice before forwarding a racy text to your crush; it might accidentally go to your boss. Careful with spilling a secret to the wrong person. I guess you might consider getting rid of your laptop and phone this month, for they seem to be in cahoots with the mischievous Mercury.

Libra (Balance): It’s time to focus on your fitness, Libra! But be a little careful; Saturn in your 10th house is going to make you absent-minded. You may enthusiastically start a new workout routine but accidentally join an advanced class instead of the beginner’s one. Only to spend the whole session trying not to get tangled up in resistance bands, yoga straps, and battling unexpected body aches, of course. Shave the right side of your head to placate Saturn for some relief.

Scorpio (Scorpion): You’ll be running fashionably late everywhere, Scorpio! Late for work, late for parties, late for doctor appointments, and even late for a latte. On most days, you’ll find yourself wondering – time, what a concept! The clocks will tick, and time’s relentless march will continue while you dance to your own rhythm. And who knows, your fashionable delays might just inspire a new trend of “Scorpio Standard Time!”

Sagittarius (Archer): Mars in your nonsensical 7th house will serve you a notice this month, Sagittarius! It’s the planetary strike season. Don’t attempt a DIY haircut to save money; you will only end up with a hairstyle that would make even a scarecrow cringe. In fact, I’d suggest putting off getting a haircut or cutting your nails until November next year. If it’s an emergency, consider offering a few strands of your hair to your neighbourhood crows for nest construction. Their blessings will help.

Capricorn (Goat): This is going to be a stormy August for you, Capricorn! Mistake will be your second name. You will accidentally put salt instead of sugar in your morning coffee. If you decide to bake a cake, you’ll mistakenly grab baking soda instead of baking powder. The result? A dense, tasteless monstrosity unleashed o the world. Offer a coconut to a hyena on the 9th of this month for some relief.

Aquarius (Water Bearer): It’s best to avoid signing any important documents this month, Aquarius. During this period of cosmic mayhem, your signature might transform into a wild squiggle, leaving even the most seasoned graphologist baffled. Authorities will be scratching their heads, trying to decipher the enigma that is your autograph. If it’s urgent, write “I can sign like an adult” 367 times on a palm leaf for immediate relief.

 Pisces (Fish): Pisces, this is the month where you lose your grip on reality and slip into your dreamy world. You might accidentally wear your slippers to a formal event, mistaking them for elegant shoes. Or perhaps you’ll try to pay for your groceries with a seashell, convinced it’s a new form of currency. To restore your alertness, take exactly 3 sips of strong masala tea in the morning followed by a cup of coffee at noon.

Well, that’s it for this month’s astro-logical advice. Whoever you are, wherever you are, may the sauce be with you! Waka waka forever. And if things do happen to go south (which they will), just remember: It’s not your fault. It’s the fault in our stars. Astrology excuses everything. Until next month.

Love and Chaos,
Miss Predictions


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