Miss Prediction’s Terrible But Well-Meaning Astrology Advice Column*

You can subscribe to our newsletter here.

Are you tired of the same old boring advice from those other astrology columns? Well, you’re in luck! Miss Prediction is here to give you some seriously terrible but well meaning advice that you should definitely (not) follow. Here’s what to expect in December! *safety not guaranteed

Miss Prediction

 Aries (Ram): The Holiday

There’s no need to swap houses, Aries. Just swap phones with a stranger! What better way to forget your life’s woes than to dive into someone else’s insta notifications and unknown calls? After all, who needs a quaint English cottage when you can have a digital mis… umm, adventure?

 Taurus (Bull): Love Actually

Whenever you get gloomy about the state of the world, just think of the checkout line at Walmart, Taurus… about the pure, uncomplicated joy of the cashier scanning discounted snacks and customers eagerly welcoming their new bags of chips and chocolates. Remember, love may actually be overrated, but sugar is forever—just like Wakanda.

 Gemini (Twins): Home Alone

Prepare for a month of solo adventures and ingenious schemes. Gemini. Just make sure you’re setting up those traps for the right reasons like, defending your fridge from snack thieves. Remember, you can be too old for a lot of things, but you’re never too old to be eating junk and watching rubbish!

 Cancer (Crab): The Polar Express

You’ll be taking a magical train ride to the North Pole your Emotions, Cancer, to the depths of your own nostalgia! Tip: The best way to reach there is by indulging in excessive holiday snacks and comfort food. Forget the train ticket; just keep your emotional baggage handy. Pack a suitcase full of old photos, mixtapes, and childhood toys.

 Leo (Lion): Frozen

Remember that feeling of joy when Elsa finally let’s it go? Well then, read this very carefully: Don’t let it go, Leo! Those lingering feelings for your ex? Keep holding on. That job you’ve been wanting to quit? Hang in there. And that sweater you’ve been eyeing? Get it now! In the frosty winter of December, embrace the chill and let your attachments freeze in place.

 Virgo (Virgin): A Christmas Carol

Get ready for ghosts of your to-do lists haunting you this holiday season, Virgo. Remember the laundry you’ve been ignoring? The pasta recipe you never tried? That book gathering dust on your shelf? The call you had to make to the bank? The assignment that is over its due date? It’s time to be proactive and stop being a Scrooge with your time.

♎ Libra (Balance): The Runaway Bride

Channel your inner Julia Roberts, Libra but instead of running from weddings, run from decisions faster than you’d run away from a bee at a picnic. Forget about making choices – they’re overrated anyway. Life is a buffet, and decision-making is just too much cardio. When it comes to eggs, why limit yourself to only one? Your eggs should reflect your life choices – a delicious mess.

 Scorpio (Scorpion): Serendipity

If you’re applying for jobs this month, Scorpio, be prepared to hear a lot of “If we’re meant to hire you again, then we’ll hire you again. It’s just not the right time now.” Trust the universe; there is a perfect workplace waiting for you out there. But only in 2024.

♐ Sagittarius (Archer): National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Get ready for a chaotic family gathering, Sagittarius. Expect over-the-top disasters, unexpected guests, and a Christmas tree that’s more trouble than it’s worth. Remember, sometimes the best holiday memories come from the most unpredictable moments. Just maybe invest in a sturdy sledge—trust me on this one.

 Capricorn (Goat): Miracle on 34th Street

Let’s be real, Capricorn—Santa is real. But are you? Asking Santa for presents won’t solve all your problems; being present will. Enroll in a college degree and say ‘present, ma’am’ every day for 31 days for a miracle in 2024.

 Aquarius (Water Bearer): Klaus

Forget traditional Santa tales, Aquarius. Your Christmas is going to be about lawsuits. Remember a true selfless act always sparks another but a true selfish act always sparks a lawsuit. So word your letters to Santa carefully and ask for only permissible toys.

 Pisces (Fish): When Harry Met Sally

Yes, this is a Christmas film, Pisces! This month, expect lots of dramatic ‘I’ll have what she’s having’ moments at cafes, work, and the deli. As everyone will be copying your order, you bear the responsibility of choosing wisely. What I’m saying – and this is not a dinner invitation in any way, shape, or form – is that pizza and pineapple can’t both be toppings because the taste part always gets in the way.

Well, that’s it for this month’s astro-logical advice. Whoever you are, wherever you are, may the sauce be with you! Waka waka forever. And if things do happen to go south (which they will), just remember: It’s not your fault. It’s the fault in our stars. Astrology excuses everything. Until next month.

Love and Chaos,
Miss Predictions


Related Articles

Scroll to Top